Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
