You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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