i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
