We named our party play list daddy issues
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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