so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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