I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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