would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
