he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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