where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
