our cab driver is having phone sex.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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