Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
