Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
