he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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