I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
