my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Pants are for mortals
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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