4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
