He uses pillows to masturbate.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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