They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
