No period for spring break; use this wisely.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
