The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
