When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
