The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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