I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
