If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
