I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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