hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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