Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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