life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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