I cannot find my penis.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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