hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize