I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
