Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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