dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
