Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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