You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
