By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
