Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
