Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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