While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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