so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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