i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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