I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
