I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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