went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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