Moan for me like Helen Keller
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
