She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
