Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
