Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
