I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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