you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
