I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
