Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
