Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
