Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You ruined the universe
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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