i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
