took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
