Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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