Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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