Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
